Goodbyes

They say when you're dying your life flashes before your eyes. I obviously can't speak to whether that's true but I do know that big transitions like moving (especially when you have 6 months to plan for and ruminate about it) give one a lot of time to think and review. And in a way, moving feels like starting a new life.

It starting to feel like a bit of a long time ago that I made my first cross country move to Missouri in 2005 in my '92 Honda Accord with all my life's belongings... but it doesn't feel so long ago that I made the return trip back to New England in our '05 Sentra (with only a quarter of my life's belongings) to start my first full time post-doctorate job. And soon after Michael and I did the same drive that December in the moving truck where we etched out the basic plans for our wedding day.

However, it feels like yesterday that we were moving into our house in St. Louis. I still remember walking through the back door on that crisp but sunny February morning relieved that we were no longer in blizzard ridden Massachusetts. I remember falling in love with the architecture (I now take for granted) and feeling in awe of the shiny wood floors in the entry way. I was so pleased with the spaciousness compared to our cozy apartment in New England.

I also remember feeling anxious being in a new neighborhood and found it hard to fall asleep at night. It didn't help that in our first week here the dishwasher broke flooding the kitchen, leaking on to the alarm system in the basement and setting it off in the middle of the night.

Now, nearly 4 years later this house is full of memories and I can find my way around in the dark (I'll even go in the basement) and we know and adore our neighbors.

In one month we'll be packing it all up again and moving, this time permanently (at least that's the plan) to Alabama. Yes, my dear Elliot, even your bed will go in the truck. As with other moves I feel a mixture of both anxiety, excitement and bittersweet sentimentality that we have to go. It's been nice to live somewhere with family nearby, and some of my best friends from grad school within a 6 hour radius. It took me so long to make friends here... I feel like we were just finding our groove and now I'll never know how it all would have played out. I keep putting off saying an official goodbye to my colleagues at my old job because I'm going to miss them so much.

But I am excited... we'll also be moving within distance of other close friends and family and we're already making connections in Alabama light years faster than I managed to in St. Louis. I know as with every move past there are adventures that await us and this really feels like the beginning of something. I worked so hard for the past 20 years on my education, research, and teaching. For the first time we can settle somewhere and own a home... our very own home. Being the 17th and a half move I've made in my adult life it will be hard for me to throw away the boxes when we get there.

Me, Elliot and Dad in Forest Park

The hardest thing about moving really is leaving behind the family and friends we love, and for me leaving this house in a way means saying goodbye to my Dad all over again. Being here still means I get to spend a little more time at the table where we once shared dinners and my son would hug him goodnight, and a little more time on the porch where we'd sit watching Elliot play in the yard. Letting go of this place will be cathartic in a way because I can also say goodbye to some of the painful parts of watching him slip away to cancer. Maybe he won't be joining us physically, but I take comfort in knowing that all the things he left behind, like his artwork, mean pieces of Dad are still coming along on this new adventure. The one thing I regret in the hustle and bustle of juggling my career and parenting is that I didn't make just a little more time for Dad. I think he enjoyed his last two years with us, but it's hard not to feel like I could have done a little better.

So goodbye St. Louis. We're going to miss having Forrest Park as our second back yard, the farmer's market, being 3 minutes from world renowned hospitals, lots of options for hiking within an hours drive, restaurants and entertainment galore (not that we had time for most of it) but most of all family, the community and friends we made.
9/18/18

Dad's Art Part 2

This is a continuation of the previous post found here

To request a book of Sidney Lust's art email me (Sarah) at seasail13@yahoo.com