I Know This Much is True: A Book Review

One of the things that really had me do some deep intellectual, emotional and spiritual digging last month was "reading" (on CD, in my car, on the way to work) a book by Wally Lamb titled "I Know This Much Is True". Probably for reasons close to my heart, I cried at portions of nearly every chapter of the first two-thirds of the book. This is a book about a man's experience growing up with his schizophrenic twin brother. The story crisscrosses through their childhood on into a heartbreaking adulthood. The book grapples with issues of love, identity, family, and devotion. While some may find the story excessively long, with too much exploration of character details - I found it refreshing and realistic. At least until nearly the end I could hardly believe it wasn't a true story. For anyone that has ever loved someone they felt helpless to help, or believes in the importance of self-reflection and the strength of forgiveness (including self-forgiveness), this story is for you. After all the sad parts, the book felt refreshingly cathartic. It reminded me that even the people we see as monsters have likely done their own share of suffering and anyone can change for the better if they try.

You can find this book on Amazon if you wish to purchase a copy: I Know This Much is True
I borrowed a copy on CD from my local library since the paperback I have owned for ten years has mostly been collecting dust...

A final thought I was reminded of after finishing the book, was the best lesson I have ever learned, and the best gift I have ever received from my parents - the power of unconditional love. A few weeks ago my Dad had a cancer scare. To my great, though cautious, relief it turned out he has some non-cancerous cysts that need to be treated. Nonetheless, the quickly bubbling downward spiral of scared and anxious thoughts in my head lead me to review all the wonderful times my Dad and I have spent together and all the sweet and hilarious things he has ever said. One example is the out-of-nowhere diner conversation in my college years in which he mentioned that he was considering shutting off his cable subscription and "would I want the extra $30 a month to purchase birth control?". My parents have never really judged my life decisions and I am lucky that they have provided moral support at every step of the journey. My Dad used to call me in college to see how things were going and I could hear the worry in his voice that I might struggle, I might not make it... He would always say, "Don't procrastinate - the most important thing is to get your work done on time so you never have to make excuses." I may have finished my degrees... I'm still working on learning to stop procrastinating. At least I can always think back to this sage advice.

The Big Question

I’m still in physical therapy for my foot right now while recovering from bunion surgery and this is actually a pretty pleasant experience. The clinic is conveniently located near my office at work and the PT I work with is incredibly nice, professional and helpful. We usually have pleasant small talk while I try not to scrunch my face up and wince in pain as he stretches and flexes my toe. The other day however we got to talking about my upcoming wedding and we both laughed about the pressure to please parents and cater to everyone. I laughed and said it can be tough but that I appreciated my future-in laws slight overbearingness, which makes up for the occasional absence of help from my side of the family (though not their fault). And then came the Big Question that I rarely get anymore since graduating high school 14 years ago, “Oh… where are they?”. Somehow we had stumbled right into the topic that, no matter how old I get, always seems to define and shape my life. “Well…”, I hestiated… “They’re both schizophrenic.” I see my PT’s eyes widen with surprise. “BOTH of them?! How did that happen?! Did they know when they met?”. I smile a little amused… part awkward embarrassment, and to this day, part bewilderment myself. “They met in therapy.” He laughs as though he has just heard the biggest “doesn’t it figure” he had ever heard in his life. We go on to talk about the situation a little more and I say my life is a bit of an anomaly in some ways, and that I always count my blessings for still being sane. And after age 30 I took an extra sigh of relief for being “statistically out of the woods” sane.

So there it is – the thing that both makes me feel special sometimes, but that is also a struggle – a shadow that follows me into adulthood. I feel so very very lucky to be all in all happy and healthy; I love my parents dearly, and somehow appreciate and grow into that love even more as I grow older. At some point in high school maybe, I stopped resenting the things that they couldn’t provide for me as a child and the fact that I didn’t have a “normal” family and started really seeing them as people who had an extremely tough break in life. I realized they are the most sweet and loving people I know and I recognized goodness in their souls that inspired me to strive for empathy and patience beyond anything else.

This year really caught me off guard. I thought finishing grad school, moving back east, and starting a new job and would lead me to some oasis of joy where I would reconnect with family and old friends. Then I realized that the connections I had in grad school to so many close friends living in a close radius were incredibly fulfilling. Now my friends and loved ones are spread apart and I find it hard work just to keep up. In the interim it has been pretty lonely. That was what really surprised me. In the year we plan our wedding and I can finally have so many people I care about in the same room, on the same day, I never expected the path along the way to be so… quiet.

The reason I wanted to start writing about this – here – is because I often think about how “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. I wore that phrase as a badge throughout my youth. Shaken but not stirred isn't quite the right description, but I guess I think of myself as Shaken, but not Broken. I thought if I could bear the ache of some of what I have experienced that I could handle just about anything. Much of the time that has been true, but sometimes it really wears me down. Sometimes I still envy those “normal families” with parents in good health that can pay their kids a visit once or loan them some money when their car breaks down and needs $2400 in repairs. Sometimes it’s still hard to go about my day knowing my mother is home alone, two hours out of reach, and I can’t just swing by to keep her company for a few minutes. I still worry that at some point my dad will fall ill from his myriad of health problems and I won’t be around to save the day.

I know I’m not alone with these sorts of struggles, and I don’t tell my story because I want people to feel sorry for me or my parents. I say all of this because I think resilience is one of the greatest human strengths and I always try to keep that in mind. I’d like to talk about how people bear burdens in life and find light in darkness. I want to focus on how to make progress rather than stagnate in sorrow when it rears its ugly head. I want to believe in happy endings and pursue them.

Shine a little light

I'm on the final day of a 6 week stint "working at home" after my second major foot surgery this year. What I had envisioned as a peaceful and productive six weeks ended up a bit differently. Maybe I set my expectations too high, but I just couldn't seem to get focused for most of it. Somehow this spiraled down into what I'm calling "mild" depression. It is incredibly disconcerting to feel that with all the time in the world on my hands and all the freedom to pursue my dreams on my own flexible schedule, I'm not motivated to much more than stare into space and drool like a zombie. It's been a while since I was so stymied by my own brain - but I've been here before so at least I come prepared! I'm working on a bounce back action plan...

For the past few weeks my sleep schedule has been erratic - alternating nights of insomnia and days of exhaustion. I want to exercise but seem to have no energy. Then I remembered, "hey it's winter and winter in New England stinks!". Actually I love freshly fallen snow and the crisp air, but usually this is a positive sign of ski season - which is of little comfort to me until my foot no longer looks like a circus balloon and I stop walking like a pirate.

Happy Light :)

I know how the short days and long stretches of darkness can affect me, so I decided to shed a little light on the subject. Meet the Verilux HappyLight 6000. Just as you can barely stand to stare into the obnoxiously bright light in this photo, so too does it emanate a radiant glow in real life. *Note, the box should be facing you and you should have your eyes open but don't STARE at the dang thing unless you want to go blind!*.

Light boxes, or "full spectrum lamps" can be used in the winter to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder (a.k.a. the winter blues). The first time I heard about this I thought it sounded like hocus pocus. It turns out research supports the effectiveness of using one of these puppies for about 30 minutes each morning, until spring rolls around, when you can finally go out and get yourself some real sunlight.

Thus far it hasn't worked a miracle for me, but I feel a wee bit more energetic during the day and I'm sleeping a little better at night (without drugs or booze my friends!). So, if you've got the winter blues might I suggest a little light in your life? It's much safer and more effective than tanning (no UV rays) and many models can be found for less than $100.

Tomorrow I head back to my 1-hour-each-way commute and a windowless office, but I have never been so excited to get back on a regular schedule and have some human interaction. Wish me luck!

My review should not be construed as medical advice. You should always consult with your own physician about any physical/mental health concerns you have.

Thirteen

I've got a special place in my heart for the number 13. That's my birthday! Social psychological research has demonstrated that people who share a birth date rate each other more positively, presumably because the shared date gives them an air of familiarity. So maybe 2013 will be a good year for me... we share a special bond after all. This will also be the year that I get married, and after a long journey to that point it is certainly something to be excited about.

I'm starting 2013 with a lot to think about though. Last year I felt like I bit off a little more than I could chew - moving, transitioning into a new job, buying a new car, two surgeries and beginning to plan the wedding. My New Years resolution had been to be more mindful - to slow down, be present and soak up each moment. Somehow the year ended up feeling like it whizzed by before I could blink; instead of slowing down I felt like I was holding on for the wild ride and trying not to lose my lunch after every pot hole.

This year I think I'm going to take a little different route to the same destination. We all have goals that would help us reach our ideal being and I feel so far from any of these. I want to take more time to exercise and to be productive in my career while still leaving some time for a balanced personal life. Staying on schedule for all of these activities requires a certain kind of discipline I find very difficult, so I'm taking that challenge to task. I find that I am a very generous person with my time and energy and I have always been proud of this characteristic. I believe we find the most joy in the time we spend with friends and loved ones, but in this year where my time will be such a precious commodity I think I'm going to have to learn to say "no" a little more often and put myself first. I want to make myself better so that I can be better for others I want to help. That means less baking, more time at the gym and less traveling when possible.

The road I hope to run on some day

In 2013 there is something else I want to tackle. I named this blog in reference to some thoughts I've had for a long time about how to live life when one has had so many challenges heaped upon them. I'm sure everyone has reached a point at some time or another when they just don't know how they are going to handle the next problem or the next piece of bad news. This is a time when our country needs to have a conversation on mental health, not just because we need to protect ourselves from future mass murders and gun slayings but because the world is moving at a pace that will challenge us all. Global warming. Technology that leads us to spend more time each stay staring at a computer than into another human's eyes. Peace and happiness cannot be taken for granted. Though the scary things that happen in the world (or at least get reported in the media) make it seem as though we are hurdling toward doom, I find that people have a way of being resilient and moving forward.  In 2013 I'd like to focus on resilience and strength in mental health, because everyone deserves the chance to reach their potential.